Monday, February 5, 2007

In sickness and in health, with one itty bitty testy exception

A compendium of the most recent health issues I’ve been asked to address and/or examine by friends and family who I (for the most part and under normal circumstances) care greatly about:

Dochechka’s healing surgical incision. (Looks lovely, by the way.)

Abuelito’s lower back sebaceous cyst. (Not quite as lovely. Charming, I think, would be more fitting.)

Vinja’s through-and-through dog bite to the left ear. (Not kidding.) (I suppose that’s what he gets for ignoring all of my persistent medical advice to stop hanging bacon from his earlobes.)

Blossom’s local anesthetic needs for a very large tattoo. (She wanted to know if I considered it safe for her friend (a dentist) to do the anesthesia on her back. Considering there are no teeth on her back, I advised against this.) (Also not kidding.)

[Will remain unnamed]’s scrotal abscess. (I SO wish I was kidding.) (Thank goodness this consultation was solicited from long distance via the telephone. My advice to this individual: Uhhh…you should go see a doctor for that.)

This last encounter has inspired what will be the caveat to all future consultations by loved ones and acquaintances. I hate to have to do this, gentlemen, but from here on out, when someone asks for my advice, my agreement will require the acceptance of the following terms: Keep your boils, your scrotums, and your scrotal boils away from me. Sorry, ladies, I suppose to be fair, you’ll have to keep your ovaries away from me too.

In other non-scrotal news: I go to Japan tomorrow! Yippee!!


Waspgoddess said...

Exactly the reason I dropped out of med school... Once you've seen your friend's abscessed scrotum things just won't ever be the same.

On the other hand this made me think of a great poem a friend of mine wrote called "to a scrotum" (completely free of abscesses). Check it out on and get The Queen's Own to read it in his best Scotish accent (it's the second poem on the page).

(The last poem on the page is also very good, it should be read in a manic, coked-up sort of way)

I look forward to reading your no doubt mad observations when you get back (although I suppose they do have computers over there :)

Mr. Poopie said...

Dammit. Does this mean that you're not going to look at my t'ait now?

La Cubana Gringa said...

waspgoddess - Many thanks for the Ode to the Scrote. I shall have The Brit memorize it and perform it at the next family function. That'll reel in all the straglers in the family who don't yet think he can hang with our level of vulgarity. And thanks for the well wishes for my travels...I'll post if I can.

mr. poopie - If by t'ait you mean the portion of flesh that lies posterior to the scrote and anterior to the anal verge, then I'm going to have to go with "Yes. Yes this does mean that I will NOT look at your t'ait." PS - Your anal warts are off-limits too. My sincere appologies.

rattie said...

poor vinja (sigh). thanks for looking after him. he's getting better quickly; doctor says today's the last day I'll need to squeeze puss out of his wound. :)

now we just need to convince him not to hang a bone-shaped earring from his puncture wound.