Dear San Francisco,

Listen, honey. You know I love you. I love your look (LOVE the hair…AND the shoes), I love what you can whip up in the kitchen on command, I love your cultural diversity, I love that you warm up in October when everyone else starts getting chilly, and perhaps most of all, I love your almost histrionic need to entertain. I have you to thank, afterall, for introducing me to the great MaNdonna. And you know that I not only accept, but embrace, your homosexuality. I hope that someday when you grow up, and when marriage between two gay cities is regarded as a legal union, that you find someone nice to settle down with. Like Marin…he might be good for you. A little uppity, I know, but he’s got a good heart. (And a nice ass, even if it is in khakis.)

Anyway, I just wanted to have a small word with you about something, because, you see, we have a visitor from out of town arriving tonight. Her name is Tulip. She’s a good friend of mine from my high school days in Panama and she’ll be here through Tuesday. The fact that she and I haven’t seen each other in nearly 12 years coupled with the fact that she’s never even met you before makes me eager to be sure that we both leave a good impression. I know I’ll probably do okay because, since high school, I’ve discovered that tweezers exist. So those pesky, unruly eyebrows that she probably found highly offensive back then are now tame and shapely…not too thin, but not meandering up my forehead either. (And I know you helped me with those, so thanks.) But you…well, I have to admit, I’m a little worried about the impression you’ll leave her with.

No, don’t worry. It’s not those cute little bright yellow hotpants you like to wear. Those are fine. (And in fact, if you could keep those on and your Coit Tower tucked in for the duration of the four-day weekend, that’d be great.) It’s actually your foggy security blanket that I want to chat with you about. Listen, I know you’re attached to it. I know it makes you feel secure and safe when you scamper and saché about town. But you’re almost an adult now. I know your mayor doesn’t act like one (and he certainly doesn’t seem to like dating them) but that doesn’t mean that you can’t lead by example. Be a leader, not a follower. That’s what my Mamacusa used to tell me. So, do you think you could do that for me? Lose the foggy blanky? Yeah, I think you can. Besides, how else are we going to see those beautiful bridges, beaches and parks of yours if you’re hiding behind a foggy blanky, huh? Huh? [Squeezing SF’s cheek affectionately.] That a boy.

Oh, and one more thing. At times, you can be quite cold. You don’t need to have your guard up with Tulip, she’s cool with the whole Gay Thing. Afterall, she comes from a place in Florida where Tinkerbell and Cinderella are very highly regarded and dwarfs dressed in rainbow colors parade around in the streets. So, feel free to warm up to her early. And if you’re inclined to put on your yellow hotpants for her and do a few twirls in the living room, that’s fine too. Just be a dear and fix us a few drinks first, ok?

Love & kisses,
La Cubana Gringa