Wednesday, February 28, 2007

In which I whore my ass out for $100/hour

A friend recently forwarded me the following email in the hopes that I might be able to offer its author some assistance:
Subject: Looking for a fit model

As a [insert big name jeans company] designer, I am currently looking for women to participate in the development for a new, fit, “curvy jean” in misses size 8 (height 5'5" - 5'9"), and petite size 6 (height 5'2" - 5'4").

Curvy jean is especially designed for a woman who has a small waist, with a larger seat and hips. Our aim is to develop the perfect jean fit for a woman who has this body shape so that the back does not gap when she sits.

Please note: We are looking for more of an "apple" shape, not "pear". A "pear" shape represents wide hips (from the front view), but is not necessary bubbly. An "apple" shape is one which is not wide from front view, but sticks out a lot from the side view. The model we need must have a bubbly "up high" booty. She is most likely African American or Hispanic…

Salary for a fitting is approximately $100 - per hour.

It has been extremely hard to find this shape of woman through a modeling agency. Please contact me ASAP if you know of anyone you think is appropriate shape/size.

To which I responded…

Subject: The apple of my eye rear

To whom it may concern:

I can only imagine how difficult it’s been for you to find an apple-shaped model through an agency. I mean, you know as well as I do that none of those chics ever eat solid food, much less the carbohydrate-laden arroz con gandules that us Hispanic chicas eat.

I must say, it was with great joy that I received your email….as it brought with it not only new information (to think that all these years I’ve been made to feel like a PEAR when I’m really an APPLE!) but also a flicker of hope. You see, shopping for jeans has always been the bane of my existence. And your words brought tears to my eyes…tears of joy at the prospect of finally being able to find jeans, made right here in this country by real live gringos, rather than having to travel all the way to Brazil where they’ve had the good sense to put spandex into their denim for decades now.

Not only will you be saving me money, you’ll be sparing me the embarrassment and emotional trauma of showing my plumber’s crack every single time I sit down or bend over. And if this is the case, bueno...my apple orchard is all yours. (For $100/hour, though, right?)

Sincerely,
La Cubana Gringa

3 comments:

Waspgoddess said...

Ah, you did promise you would post a photo of your ass a while back. Now I expect it will soon be on every billboard in America.

When you become the next Kate Moss, please don't forget us. We loved you before all that...

mrsmogul said...

Hehe that's cute...my sister once suggested i be a fit model, she works in fashion you see. But I never did it. TOO NERVE Wracking!!

La Cubana Gringa said...

waspgoddess - We're in no danger of me becoming the next Kate Moss...there ain't enough airbrushing on EARTH that could make THAT happen! :)

mrsmogul - Hi! I agree! Much too nerve wracking...I'd constantly be paranoid that I'd unintentionally knock over one of the other models with my rear end every time I turned around. (It's got a mind of its own, that thing!)