Friday, January 12, 2007

Recipe for hotness

Do you have one of these? No? Well, if you’re hopelessly single and clamoring for a better first impression gimmick…I think I just found the solution for you.

The Grabber 2000.

Strange. Curious. Provocative. I know. I never knew these existed until I went to go see my Dochechka. Being blessed with a Russian brand of foresight, just prior to her recent back surgery, she preemptively purchased a Grabber 2000 so as to minimize having to bend when reaching for things in the post-op recovery period. I was intrigued when I witnessed her use her shiny new go-go-gadget arm for the first time. With cat-like speed and agility she used it to skillfully turn the ground level space heater up to high. (Though, admittedly, intrigue did turn to annoyance when I witnessed her use it to dig out the tub of chocolate macaroons I’d strategically hidden from her in the bottom cupboard.Dammit, I thought I'd have those all to myself. A nose like a beagle that one has!) But above all, I realized the Grabber’s potential utility for say, a first or second date: a gentle caress of the face…perhaps the loving relocation of a stray hair out of your date’s eyes…or better yet, a subtle ass-grab. Endless possibilities for those who are fumbling through the early days of physical awkwardness. I mean really, what better way to communicate that you want to feel someone up than to do it first with a part-aluminum/part-plastic member? Brilliant. Home base never looked so good, huh?

I mentioned this to Dochechka and told her that her Grabber 2000 would complement her Push Cart on Wheels (circa 1970) quite nicely. (She really does have one of those.) With these two items, not only will she be able to compete with all the fierce, old ladies in Chinatown, she’ll soon be beatin’ all the men away with a stick! Well, a Grabber, actually.


Mr. Poopie said...

She'll need an obnoxious horn and some nunchucks before she's ready for Chinatown. (Those bitches are crazy!) I went ahead and created some accessories for the Grabber 2000: A quick release holster that attaches to the push cart, a pink, kung fu grip handle with rhinestones, and a new attachment called the Fondler 2000! (your date will squeal with glee.) More attachments coming soon!

nikinpos said...

THey have those in the local Deli's where the shelves are too high to reach.