Monday, January 8, 2007

It's funny cuz it's true

It was the new years resolution of many of my single girlfriends this year to “take control of their dating life” and join an on-line dating service. Now, I agree, this screams of frantic XX’s, grasping with white knuckles at the last bastion of hope against nature’s apathetically applied expiration date on ovaries. But we’re talking about sane, intelligent, attractive, accomplished women here. Only a few of whom are “frantic.” And none of whom, that I know of, are particularly stressed about reproducing soon. So what gives? Why the tide shift to electronic loooove resumes and touched up digital picture first impressions? Who knows. (I have my theories.) (Later.)

All I know is that I’m going to enjoy the vicarious ride while I can.
And besides, who am I to rain on the parade of e-lovin’? I have to thank for The Brit being in my life. Well, indirectly. Ok. Here’s our story, in a nutshell: My Friend logs onto Likes Boy’s profile. My Friend and Boy meet and begin dating. My Friend and Boy throw a party. I come to the party to see My Friend. The Brit comes to the party to see his friend, Boy. The Brit and I meet and exchange witty banter at said party. And voila. The rest is history. Oh, as are My Friend and Boy. They no longer date. But still, worked for us. And neither one of us had to log on. Yay on-line dating! Woo hoo!

Anyway, back to the living vicariously through my friends bit…one of them asked me to proofread her profile before she posted it.
Why yes, I said. Yes I will! With goodie goodie gum drops glee, we logged on together. Just for fun, we first perused some of the other profiles. You know, just to get a feel for the kind of stuff people write about themselves. (Or rather, the kind of “crap” people write about themselves.) And perhaps for a laugh or two. Glee quickly turned to eye-gouging boredom after reading profile after profile of a “fun-loving easy-going guy seeking like-minded woman…” Jeez. Does that lifeless dribble actually get game? Whatever. I decided then and there that my friend’s profile would need to be funny. Even a touch obnoxious. ANYTHING to be different from the drab, garden variety profiles already up there. So we turned our attentions to making a few minor adjustments.

Here were my suggestions for her
Likes/Dislikes section:
My likes include: sunset walks on the beach, Polynesian dining, rainbows
My dislikes include: mean people, tuberculosis

On the grounds that some might not get it was a joke. (Sadly.)

Ok. How about my suggestions for the Ideal First Date section:
One in which my date immediately proves to me his manliness…by perhaps slaying a dragon or getting to the seventh level of Super Mario Brothers. (It’s an either/or scenario, his choice.)

Vetoed again.

Needless to say, after the above vetoes, she
really didn’t like my suggestion for what she should put for the What you’ve learned from your past relationships section:
That I screw like a porn star.*

But she did humor me on some of my suggestions.
Let the dating fun begin!

*She has actually been told that. By two different guys. Not to worry, dear Brit. I’m taking notes.

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