Doesn't the month of April make YOU horny?

No? It doesn’t? Yes it does. Admit it.

I have reason to believe that April makes everyone, but especially Catholics, horny.

Now, in practice, I tend to be more of an evidence-based kinda gal when forming opinions or making decisions. Everyone knows that anecdotal evidence is biased and inaccurate. Por ejemplo…

Evidence based: I generally don’t drink carbonated beverages because studies have shown that the caffeine and phosphorus in these drinks have a deleterious effect on calcium absorption, contributing to, among other things, osteoporosis.

Anecdotally based: I don’t like to drink soda because I think it makes my ass fatter than it already is. (Which it does.) (But that’s not the point here.)

The point is that the former is fact-based. The latter just depends on which mirror I’m looking at. (And for the record, in those moments of weakness when I want to justify just one soda, I simply slip down to my bedroom where our full length mirror tells me sweet, sweet lies.)

All digressions aside, I have evidence to believe, based on a Case Study, n=7, performed at my reputable and highly academic institution (AKA, my house), that April, along with it’s bountiful showers, brings with it the overwhelming urge to do the nasty. Without protection (hence the Catholics being implicated here). Which then results in impregnation. And thus, the birth of a child, the fruit of one’s loins, say…in January. And thus, the fact that EVERY-FRIGGIN’-BODY’S BIRTHDAY IS IN JANUARY. Ok. Not everybody’s. Just Abuelito’s. Abuelita’s. The Love Muscle’s. Captain Organico’s. The Brit’s. Daddio’s. And Homeslice’s. (I’d like to point out that some of the above are NOT the offspring of latinos (rumored to be particularly amorous…I believe it is said in certain circles that we “hump like bunnies”) and that this n of 7 is made up of people from all over the world. Making it a rigorous, and I feel, more accurate Case Study.)

So there you have it. Proof. That April is some sort of provocative aphrodisiac in and of itself. I, for one, will be using birth control. But just beware. Without protection, you’re forever damning the rest of us to bankruptcy during the month of January. (And after Christmas, when we’re already broke as it is.)

Horny (Catholic) bastards.